Take the FallMake It Beautiful
by JinxCokeJam
Summary: For some reason I seek out the angsty JAM parts of S3 from time to time. This is what came from that! An AU look at the PLoD in the Merger episode.


Jim pulled his keys out of the ignition and tossed them into the bag that sat on his front seat. He took a deep breath and stared blankly out the window at the gray office building towering in front of him. He couldn't believe that he was here again. He swore to himself that the last time he drove out of this parking lot, breathless and broken, would be the last time. He couldn't imagine having to come back, day after day to the same place where he had offered everything and received nothing in return. He had been sitting in the parking lot for almost an hour, unable to will himself to open the car door and walk into that building. He had put his car into reverse and pulled back out of the parking spot twice, telling himself that he didn't want to sell paper for the rest of his life and he could look in the want ads and have a new job by the end of the week.

Yet here he was one hand on the door handle, looking up at the building knowing that somewhere up there was what he had tried so hard to leave behind. The past months had been the hardest time of his life. It made him angry to see what he had been reduced to; a shell of a man that went through the motions of living. He had worked so hard not to feel, that he had finally become successful. It was ironic, he thought, that the week before the merger was announced was the first time that he had gotten a full nights sleep. Finally one night not interrupted by incessant tossing and turning, plagued by images of a periwinkle dress and a whispered _"I can't". _He knew that she had lied…that night in the parking lot. He saw it in her eyes…something that had made him take another chance and go up to the darkened office to try just one more time. He knew that she was scared, but for a brief moment he felt hope when she was finally in his arms. Her lips finally on his, like he had wanted for so long. He saw, even for just an instant, a small flicker of hope, but as soon as he saw it, it was gone and then he had slowly let go and walked away…and she didn't come after him.

He glanced at his watch and groaned loudly. It was 9:00 and he was out of options. He opened the door and climbed out of the car, wincing as he slammed the door harder than he had intended. He sighed again, shouldered his messenger bag and slowly made his way towards the door.

Pam sat at her desk, nervously twisting her fingers in her lap. Every time the door opened her heart would leap in her chest and then immediately sink when it wasn't him. He was coming back. Finally. This was what she had hoped for since the minute she walked into the office and was greeted by his empty desk. She had had to grab on to the counter as her knees buckled slightly and tears immediately filled her eyes. She had barely made it to the privacy of the stairwell before the tears fell, hot and fast. She had composed herself long enough to tell Michael that she was sick and needed to go home. He had taken one look at her face and in a moment that was extremely un-Michael like showed some empathy and didn't ask her any questions. He just smiled briefly and nodded and Pam knew that he understood. She told Roy she was sick and spent the next two days curled up in a ball in her bed, sobbing until she fell asleep. The day after that she sat rigidly on the couch waiting for Roy to come home from his poker game. It went better than she thought it would. He pleaded with her for a few minutes, making promises they both knew he wouldn't keep. He apologized and said he'd try to do better, but there was no fight behind it. He finally just said, _"Okay" _and that was it. She moved out that weekend and was back at work on Monday, the sight of his empty desk breaking her heart all over again.

But now…he was coming back. The desk wouldn't be empty and they could finally begin to put back together the pieces of their broken hearts. The door opened again and there he was. Pam nervously raked her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. Before she knew what was happening she had ran into his arms, immediately noticing how familiar, how right it felt to have his arms around her once again. Things were a little awkward at first, but she knew that once she could get him alone, talk to him…it would all be okay. She would apologize and kiss him and tell him that she loved him.

Three hours later he had turned her down for coffee and then she saw the hand on his back and she was once again left standing alone and shattered in the parking lot. The rest of the day passed in a haze. They didn't make eye contact, he never came up to get a jelly bean from the container on her desk, and he didn't even look her way to share an amused smile when Michael's antics failed again. She went to the rest room at ten to five and when she came back out he was gone. Pam swallowed the lump that was in her throat, pulled on her scarf and casting one more glance at the empty desk walked out of the office.

"_Hey Fillipelli…where you at?" _Jim said as he climbed into his car.

"_At the store…to buy a corkscrew so that I can give myself a lobotomy."_

Jim laughed and for a brief moment thought that he could do this. He had spent a day with her…or at least in the same room as her and even though he was aware of the dull ache in his chest, he had survived. Myabe each day would get easier, until the ache was gone fully. At least that's what he thought until he glanced in his rearview mirror and saw the familiar tan of her coat, the street light reflecting off her soft hair. He gritted his teeth as the ache immediately deepened. Karen's voice had faded into the background and he sat there, watching…unable to think of what to do next. He heard himself ask karen if he could call her back, heard her say yes and before he knew it he was out of the car and walking towards her.

"_Hey…" _he called out, causing her to stop and turn towards him.

"_Hey."_

"_I thought you had already left…" _he said lamely.

"_Oh…nope…I had some other things to do. What's up?" _she asked and for a moment he could of sworn he saw a look of hope cross her face. Then he visibly saw his next words crush her, even though he knew she was trying so hard to be brave.

"_I've sort of started seeing someone…."_

"_Oh…." _He wanted her to say something…anything. Wanted her to scream at him or cry or at least do something to show that perhaps she felt even a fraction as horrible as he had since that night. But she just nodded and mumbled something about them always being friends and this time she walked away and he didn't stop her.

"_I've sort of started seeing someone…." _His words slapped her across the face. Even though she had suspected, hearing him actually say it was a hundred time worse.

"_Oh…that's totally cool. You can do whatever you want." _she muttered. For a second he looked angry and she knew she had lost her chance forever. Myabe he was giving her another shot…secretly pleading with her to try again, but the fear paralyzed her and then the moment was gone…and so was he.

She climbed into her car and stuck the key in the ignition, unable to move or breathe or think. She should have fought for him. She should of stopped him, told him what she had rehearsed in her head every, single day since he left. Even if he didn't or couldn't love her anymore, she still owed him that. She owed it to him and to herself to be honest. She glanced in her mirror and saw that his car was still there, the brake lights glowing red in the dark parking lot. Then for the first time in her life, Pam felt a courage and determination she had never felt before. She grabbed the door handle and pushed open the door.

Jim sat, one hand on his steering wheel, the other clutching his phone when a tapping on his window startled him. He looked up and his breath caught in his throat when he saw Pam, her eyes wide, tiny hand resting against his window. She stepped back so that he could open the door and climb out. He didn't say a word, honestly didn't know what else there was left to be said.

"_Jim…." _she said finally, in a voice so quiet he wondered briefly if she really had said anything. Her hands were twisted together in front of her and he could see that she was shaking slightly. It took all the self control in his body to not grab her and pull her to him. She broke their eye contact momentarily and when she looked up at him again her eyes were shining with unshed tears, but there was something there that he had never seen before, something that was so serious and so…brave.

"_I'm sorry. I am so…sorry." _she said again, her voice surpisingly steady. _"I can't…I can't let you walk away again with you not knowing this."_

She looked down again, but took a step closer to him and reached her hand out to gently touch his arm. He didn't move…he just waited.

"_I love you." _she said. _"I'm pretty sure I always have."_

Silence again as her eyes found his, searching…pleading to see something there. _"I understand if you can't…or don't…anymore If you turn around and walk away right now…that's fine. I promise I understand. I just needed to tell you now…what I didn't have the guts to say then."_

Her hand was still resting on his arm and as her gaze faltered under his she began to pull back realizing that it was too late. He reached out and grasped her hand before it could fall back to her side, causing her to look up at him in surprise.

"_I'm so…so sorry Jim. I know it's probably to late, but…"_

Then his hands were gently cupping her face, his lips on hers. He could feel her tears hot on his face which only made him kiss her deeper. When they finally pulled apart, her hands found his and held on tight. She looked up at him, face slightly flushed, a smile playing on her lips and he swore she had never looked more beautiful. He gently swiped his thumb across her damp cheek and smiled down at her.

"_I love you too…" _


End file.
